I hate all girls vehemently.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
