I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
