Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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