You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
