Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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