My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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