Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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