please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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