I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
