In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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