Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
