i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
