No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
