So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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