you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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