I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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