There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
