I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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