She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
