if you like me you must not know who I am
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
