why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
