Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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