wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
