Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
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you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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