before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
