the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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