she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
