Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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