why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We left an ass print on the piano.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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