my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
