I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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