I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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