Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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