My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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