You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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