Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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