the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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