I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
