You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
