my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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