i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
