Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
