yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
