I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
