I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't deserve a penis
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
