grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize