I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder