he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are