Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.