Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
