Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
