Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
