My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
