I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
we're making bets on your personal life
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
