My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
