I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
