I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
