I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
