gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
