It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
