I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
