im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
